BreitenBUSH Hot Springs

The brochure was enticing, showing pools of steaming water and clean, happy people, smiling. The brochure also stated that a stay there included three hot, buffet style, organic, vegetarian meals. This was a place run by a group of about 20-30 people, who proclaim themselves as "keepers of mother earth, there to protect and share the wonder of her fruits, without exploiting her bounty."

Didn't stop the bastards from graciously charging us $56 per person. Pretty successful keepers, I'd say.

The three "bountiful" meals consisted of the following:

Dinner:
Some cold pasta noodles, with some tomato sauce tossed on top of them, along with some peas mixed in; some dry ass lentils, a small piece of vegan, hard, dry black bread that looked like a piece of turd; some cold green tea; and a mixture of mushy broccoli and nuts. Mm.

Breakfast the next day:
Non-sweetened oatmeal, with dried cranberries (I was ravenous at this point and decided that I would raid the tea bar and heap a motherload of brown sugar and honey on top as well); a dry and brittle lemon poppyseed muffin (the size of half my palm), and some organic fruit.

Lunch: Well, we didn't bother to stay for lunch, as at this point, we were beginning to seek out berries and mushrooms around the campground and I became concerned when my lotion started to smell edible.

Not only that, but I'd like to mention that the happy, clean, smiling people on the brochure turned out to really be happy, sweaty, hairy, dirty hippies. I wonder if they hired models for the brochure shoot or if they just got lucky on the day that they shot those photos. I would venture to say that the former is more likely.

The scariest part about BB (as my husband, Damian, and I call it now because after we left, we swore to each other that we would never utter the full name) was the part of the brochure which I had rather ignorantly skimmed over...

There were two areas of hot springs...one area was behind the office and it consisted of 3 springs that were of differing temperatures. The other area was behind the mess hall..err...lodge...and was called "the medicine wheel." This was four closely set up hot tubs whose water was supplied through the springs, also starting at a warmish temp and ending at a "make your ass look like a lobster" temp.

The part on the brochure that I didn't pay much attention to was the little detail about "bathing attire being optional in bathing areas."

We ate "dinner" and set up camp. When it grew dark out, we got into our swimsuits and tried to make our way to the three natural hot springs. This journey consisted of us walking around in circles over and over again in the nearly absolute abyss of darkness (all the while Damian claiming that he knew exactly where we were and where we were going).

The camp runs on solar energy (which is truly awesome), but the lighting at night consists of some low to the ground navy blue, teeny-tiny lamps that don't allow you to see farther than where the blue halo casts its pathetic little umbrella of "light." We did have a flashlight, but the beam provided a restricted diameter of light.

Finally, we stumbled upon a guide who was heading to God only knows where and he whipped out a little hand drawn map and showed us where to go.

We followed the written directions and stumbled down some path, which was surrounded by neck-high, dry grass. The sound of the river gushing wildly by, combined with my only source of light being my rubber flashlight, made me feel confused and unsure of my footing. I held onto Damian as we rounded a corner.

Hearing loud whispers, I gasped, blindly trying to make my eyes see what they could not in the darkness. I grabbed the flashlight out of Damian's hand and let it make its way up the path. Somehow, having control of the only source of light within the vicinity made me feel a little bit better.

The light hit a pile of clothes on a rail.

Having been holding hands, I let my husband go, venturing on ahead. Not having any idea of where my beam would lead me, I pointed my beam of light into the steaming corner of a FLOATING ALABASTER BOOB!

Above the boob was an old lady with matted, wet hair. She opened her half-closed eyes.

Sucking in my breath and lowering my eyes in embarrassment, I tried to act nonchalant, as I quickly brought the obscene focus of light down onto my feet. I reached out for Damian and found him a few feet to my right. I could almost FEEL the smirk on his face. Why the hell had I grabbed the damn flashlight anyways?! I guess his Native American instincts had told him to not venture as far as my Polish ones had.

Damian slipped his fingers in between mine and gently pulled me further down the path. When I thought we were out of earshot, I let out a nervous and embarrassed shriek, followed by hysterical laughter. Damian and I both laughed uncontrollably, breathlessly trying to reign in the volume of our cracking up, as the flashlight's beam whipped up and down, across the path.

As we talked in nervous and hushed tones, giggling and trying to figure out if we wanted to try and get in with our bathing suits or if we should just go back to our tent, out of the darkness came a stark naked young woman with a shockingly full bush -- right into the path of our perverted flashlight. She wore a towel across her SHOULDERS, of all places, and was followed by a young, also VERY naked guy...who also had a bush.

Damian and I sucked our stomachs in and turned to the side, allowing the nudists to pass us, without having to actually make any physical contact with them.

It was at this point when I realized WHY the camp was so dark.

Once they were out of earshot, we began our nervous heina-like laughter, cracking up like little school children who had just walked in on their parents making out, laughing so hard that we had tears running down our cheeks and were gasping for air.

Eventually we regained our composure and resumed our pow wow, deciding on what we were going to do next. We agreed on walking further down the path and checking out the other hot springs. If they were vacant of naked strangers, we could get in and relax. If they were all occupied, we would turn back around and at least get another round of mad laughter out of it.

We walked along the path, our flashlight leading the way, bobbing low to the ground this time.

The air was cool and smelled of mineral and water and dried wild grasses.

After walking for quite some time, we eventually reached the next hot spring "hot tub," which happened to be empty, fairly isolated and after dipping my big toe in it, the perfect toasty temperature. Feeling naughty, we stripped off our clothing and giving each other a look, we shrugged out of our bathing suits.

I don't know what possessed us to do this, as we are both pretty private people, but we got naked and slipped into the hot, swirling water. Perhaps it was the thrill of the experience or the general naughty, happy mood we were in, but the bubbling mineral water felt delicious against my skin and I quickly relaxed, feeling the smooth warm stone cradle my butt and back.

After relaxing for a few moments, I looked over at Damian (who looked equally blissful). With a glint in his eye, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap. Giggling, I kissed him. Just as things were getting good, we heard approaching humming and I jerked off Damian's lap quickly, splashing as I took my spot next to him again.

With wide eyes and my mouth frozen in an "O," I looked over at my husband questioningly. He looked equally as panicked, but he shrugged sheepishly, understanding that there wasn't enough time for us to get out and wrap ourselves in towels before the owner of The Hum arrived.

I looked around in a rising panic, searching for something--anything--to cover myself with. I briefly considered tearing a branch off the nearby tree. Instead, I settled for sinking low into the pool, until water lapped at my chin. I also laced my fingers together and brought them close to my mouth while I pushed my floating breasts down and covered my nipples with my arms as I doubled over, scrunching my thighs to my stomach to cover my Goody.

I watched in horror as a naked middle aged man in sandals came around the last shrub on the path and seeing us, smiled openly and continued humming. His flacid penis jiggled as he kicked off his sandals and threw his towel over a tree truck.

His pasty body was covered with a thick layer of curly hair. He was balding and had a sunken chest with mandatory middle aged matching beer belly. He wore a gaudy chain link necklace and his toenails needed to be cut.

Averting my eyes from the horrific scene unfolding, I glanced at Damian whose eyes were already averted and whose skin flamed of embarrassment even in the dim moonlight.

The Naked Guy dipped his toe into the water and looking pleased, slowly lowered himself into the water. As he sat down, he first tried to make eye contact with Damian, but seeing that my husband was mentally back in our tent, rocking back and forth in a fetal position, he moved his gaze to me as he finished sinking into the spring.

"UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," he grunted loudly, looking directly into my eyes, as he sat with a wide grin of ecstasy on his face.

A manic bubble of laughter escaped through my lips, as I looked down and I heard Damian trying to hold back his own, with a rush of air escaping through his nose and a clicking in the back of his throat.

I bit down hard on my bottom lip as I heard, "UUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" again, tears of imprisoned laughter rolling down my face. I saw Damian's face contort with effort as he, too, tried to control his laughter.

I couldn't stand it anymore and I stood up suddenly, grabbing Damian's wrist and pulling him up and out of the hot spring with me, sending waves of water splashing loudly into The Grunting Naked Guy's face and open mouth. As I grabbed my towel and threw Damian's toward him, I heard TNG sputtering and as we ran off barefoot, wrapping the towels around us, I wished that I had taken the time to read the brochure more carefully.